Hardest Decision Of My Life
by Love Is Courage Baby
Summary: Edward's POV when he decided that it was best for Bella that his family and him leave. Set in New Moon, from chapter 3 Voted for Best Poem - Best one-shot and Best Bella & Edward Romance!


**A/N: hey everyone! This isn't the type of story I normally do, but I was in the mood to do it after I re-read New Moon (13****th**** time I think lol) I Know its long, but please read it all!**

**This is from Chapter 3.….. Please review!**

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**Edward's POV**

Chapter 3. The End

Bella had slept through a rough night. She tossed and turned as I held her in my arms. I

had come to the conclusion while she slept that I must leave her, to save her. To save her

from every danger I posed to her. As hard as it would be for me to let go of the love of

my life… of my existence, I would have to do it. For her. If only for her. I would suffer

all the pain that would follow if only for her.

Bella opened her eyes to the morning sun. She looked worn out and her eyes were more

red then chocolate brown. I kissed her forehead quickly before ducking out the window. I

had decided over night that I would slowly ease my way out of her life over the next

couple of days. It would be excruciating for both myself and Bella. But right must prevail

over wrong. It must! I would be trying my hardest to keep a cold face so as to make my

leaving that slightly bit easier… for her.

I waited for Bella at school, as usual. Let this begin. Let this hell, this torture begin. I

hadn't felt such hatred for the future since… well since I thought that James had killed

Bella last spring. My future looked bleak then. Just as it did now. Luckily Bella managed

to avoid mentioning last night. I didn't want to talk about it, and apparently neither did

she.

I opened the door for her.

"How do you feel?" I asked, concerned, but still distant.

"Perfect" She lied. Of course she would lie to spare my feelings. Her selflessness

astounded me sometimes. Just one of her admirable qualities that I would miss dearly.

We talked together in silence. I fought every urge to touch Bella. To hold her hand… to

kiss her wrists… to soothe her arm with my cold touch… to talk about how I was feeling.

But instead I settled with asking how her arm was and she settled with lying to me about

how much pain she was in.

Alice was, of course, half way to Denali at this point. As was Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett,

Carlisle and Esme. I had fought with them for hours last night over how leaving Bella

now was the right thing to do. As attached as they were to her, I made them promise that

they would not give her a proper goodbye. It would hurt her of course, but maybe with

time, it would help her to heal faster. I could only hope. They had become so attached to

Bella, and she to them, in such a small amount of time. It killed them to not be able to say

goodbye to Bella. And I shuddered to think of the pain Bella would feel when she found

out they were already long gone… without so much as a goodbye…

"Where's Alice?" Bella asked anxiously as we sat at our usual lunch table. Great. The

pain begins right now it seems.

"She's with Jasper". I couldn't bear to look at her face while I was telling her the bad

news. So I settled my eyes on a granola bar.

"Is he okay?" she asked worried.

"He's gone away for a while." I answered. Great. Here it comes. The Pain.

"What? Where?" she sounded panicked.

I shrugged, trying my hardest to seem indifferent about the subject. "Nowhere in

particular."

"And Alice, too," She whispered in desperation "Of course, if Jasper needed her, she

would go".

Oh no. It's time to tell her the full and painful extent of the truth.

"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

I waited for Bella's reaction to the news. She took the force of such pain how I expected

her to. She took a loud swallow as if something was lodged deep in her throat and then

bowed her head and hunched her shoulders over. I cringed at her pain. I knew it was from

the horrible news I just told her, but it couldn't hurt to ask about her arm again.

"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked.

"Who care's about my stupid arm?" She replied with both anger and sorrow.

I didn't reply. So she bowed her head to the table. I couldn't stand to see her in such pain.

I wanted to rush over to her side and hold her in my arms. To tell her how much I loved

her… needed her… that I was doing all this because my love for her was stronger than

my need for her.

I continued with the silent treatment for the rest of the day. Bella didn't ask anymore

questions; perhaps she was scared of the truth. Maybe she was giving me time to process

things and take some time to think. Maybe she thought that there was nothing she could

say to comfort me, that whatever she said would make the situation worse somehow. If

only she knew that the situation was going to get a lot worse…like torture.

"You'll come over later tonight?" Bella asked as we walked in silence to her truck. I

would miss her truck.

"Later?" I asked a little surprised. Did she need time to think? I could only hope so.

Maybe she would be thinking about right and wrong as well.

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off".

"Oh." I murmured. The little hope I had was lost. She wasn't taking any hints. Or she

knew they were there, and she was ignoring them. It would only make it harder for her

later on.

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right? She sounded very unsure about this.

How much I wanted to reassure her! To tell her how much I needed her…

"If you want me to" I managed instead.

"I'll always want you". Her voice was intense. And the words cut me like a knife. The

intense truth was overwhelming. It would be harder for her after I left if she thought that

there was no life after me. I wanted to smile. And tell her how much I would always want

her… always. But once again I had to settle. "All right, then" I whispered.

I kissed her forehead then. Fighting every urge to take her beautiful face in my hands and

kiss her on the lips, instead of her forehead.

I walked back to my car and drove as fast as I could back home. As soon as I pulled into

the driveway I noticed Carlisle's car in the garage.

"Carlisle?" I called out with sudden panic. They hadn't come back to say goodbye to

Bella, had they? They had promised me a clean break. And I hadn't even told Bella I was

leaving yet, I was still avoiding it at all costs. If I could only spend a little more time with

Bella in silence, it would be better than time without Bella at all. I needed more time to

let her go. "You haven't come back to say goodbye to Bella have you?"

"No, Edward. We promised you a clean break. Alice and I just came back for a couple of

things we left behind."

"I could have brought them with me." I offered.

"I know but…" Carlisle was struggling to get the words out. He stopped completely as

his thoughts took over. "_Alice wanted to come back to plead with you to let her say_

_goodbye to Bella. They have grown so close… they are best friends Edward. Are you sure_

_this is the best thing for her. No goodbyes?"_

"Yes, it really is the only way. If she thinks we care for her more than she knows we

already do, then she'll hold onto that hope. It will be harder for her to move on".

At that moment Alice emerged from the front door, a cautious look on her face.

"Edward, I just had another vision. It was of Bella…"

"No Goodbye's!" I shouted furiously.

"No, Edward it isn't about that. I can see her wandering through the forest alone… in

pain, she's on the floor crying, numb, it's like she's dead only she's not and-"

"Alice, Please," It was going to be bad enough saying goodbye to Bella without Alice

telling me how much pain it would cause her after I left. "Please, I can't hear this."

"_Of Course, I'm sorry Edward. I just want you to really think about this. Do you truly_

_think it's the right thing to do? And I don't even get to say goodbye. Edward, she's my_

_best friend!"_

"Alice, I wish there were another way. But this is the only way to save Bella's soul. To

have her away from danger. I need her to be safe and continue on with her life. I need to

believe she will be happier once we're gone."

"_Okay… It's your decision I won't contest it anymore."_

"Thank you".

In a flash Alice and Carlisle assembled into the car.

"See you soon, son" Carlisle called from the window.

I shot him a quick nod and then sped to Bella's house. I wanted to beat her there before

she came home from work so that I could spend some time with Charlie. The more time I

spent with Charlie, the less time I would have to spend with Bella. The thought

disorientated me for a second; I almost hit a loose branch as I was running. I shuddered at

such a thought. I wanted to spend more time with Charlie and less with Bella? How had it

all come to this!?

I knocked on the front door and waited for Charlie.

"Edward?"

"Hi Charlie-"

"Bella's not home from work yet." He interrupted.

"Yeah, I know um… I could just wait here for a while if you don't mind"

Charlie hesitated for a bit. He didn't have anything against me but I could sense he felt

uneasy around me. It was a normal human reaction. If he didn't hate me now though, he

would once I was through with Bella. "Uh… sure… I'm just watching the game… come

on in, grab a slice of cold pizza if you want."

"Uh, no thank you Charlie"

"Suit yourself"

I followed him then in silence to the living room. It was on ESPN's SportsCenter. Charlie

went on to continue watching the game like I had never interrupted, and I was more than

happy for him to hardly notice I was there. I spent the next half hour wondering what his

reaction to my leaving would be. How hard it would be on Bella, and how hard it would

be on him as a result.

Eventually, I heard Bella's truck pull up in the driveway and then a moment later her

hurried footsteps through the front door.

"Dad? Edward?" she called from the hallway.

"In here" Charlie called.

I kept my focus on the TV. Although under normal circumstances I would have rushed to

Bella and tightened my arms around her waist pulling her closer to my side… I resisted

the urge.

"Hi" she said weakly.

The silence was breaking her heart. As it was mine.

"Hey Bella" Charlie answered when I did not. "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on

the table."

"Okay' she whispered, obviously hinting that she wanted some sort of acknowledgment

on my part.

"Ill be right behind you" I managed a polite smile as I spoke. I kept it brief though and

then returned my gaze to the TV.

She sat in the chair closest to Charlie then, and pulled her knees up to wrap her arms

around them. I could see out of the corner of my eye how deep in thought she looked. She

wasn't thick. She knew something was off, that something bad was about to happen. Pain

was on its way, she knew it. She grabbed her scrapbook from the table and I heard her

sigh. I wished for the millionth time that I could hear her thoughts. Or maybe it would be

best now that I didn't hear them. For I didn't think I could deal with hearing her in so

much pain.

She flipped through the scrapbook for a while before grabbing the camera from the table.

She left the room for a while and then returned as silently as she could to the living room.

She most probably knew I could hear her footsteps, so quiet that Charlie could never hear

them, so loud that I could. I didn't turn to meet her gaze. I forced myself to stare at the TV

mindlessly. She snapped a picture then and I eventually followed Charlie's gaze to look at

Bella. She looked so beautiful at that moment. Her eyes were wide with excitement,

however restrained, and her long brown hair flowed perfectly along her face… down her

neck that I had kissed so many times… I forced those thoughts out of my head and forced

my face to remain expressionless. I succeeded.

"What are you doing Bella?" Charlie complained. Just like his daughter, they both hated

attention of any kind.

"Oh come on" She smiled as she spoke, but I knew her smile too well to know that she

was putting one on at this moment "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm

using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt".

I sensed that there was something else behind her reasoning but I didn't speak a word. If I

showed any interest now, all my efforts would be blown out of the water.

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though" Charlie grumbled.

"Because you're so handsome," She replied. I wanted to smile. But once again I

restrained myself "And because, since you brought the camera," she continued "You're

obligated to be one of my subjects".

Charlie mumbled something unintelligible then.

"Hey, Edward," Bella said "Take one of me and my dad together."

She didn't meet my eyes as she threw the camera to me. Look at how much pain I was

causing her. I caught the camera and positioned it appropriately. Charlie sighed. I noticed

Bella wasn't smiling. I cringed that this was because of the pain I was causing her. But

she _had _to smile. She looked breathtakingly gorgeous when she curled her lips back; her

smile was something I would visually engrave into my memory right this moment. I must

remember her angelic smile if not anything else.

"You need to smile, Bella" I murmured.

I could see she tried her best but the smile I loved was only barely there.

"Let me take one of you kid's," Charlie suggested. I knew he only wanted the spotlight

diverted from him and I cringed at what I was going to have to do once these photos were

developed. I would have to steal them from Bella once I had left her behind, so that she

would never remember me. I tossed the camera to Charlie as Bella stood beside me. I

tried to stay as formal as physically possible so I put one hand lightly on her shoulder.

She wrapped her arms more securely around my waist and the pain was unbearable. To

have her so close… her soft skin touching mine, her cheeks flushed, her smell

intoxicating me. How was I going to let her go? I knew I had been avoiding physical

contact with her for a reason. It was clear now that avoiding physical contact was the

only way I would be able to let her go.

"Smile, Bella" Charlie reminded her. She was in so much pain it was clear she couldn't

even muster a smile. My stomach turned at the thought.

"Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie said then, he shoved the camera into the couch to

avoid the idea of more photos being taken of him. "You don't have to use the whole roll

now."

With all my efforts to let go of Bella, I twisted my way out of her arms, avoiding her sad

eyes and repositioned myself back into the armchair.

She hesitated for a while not sure how she should react to my hostility. From that first

night we spent together all that time ago, I hadn't let her out of my touch, my reach, since

then, except while I hunted. It was so unlike me to be so distant from her. She knew this

wasn't usually something I would do. Before all of this I couldn't let her out of my reach

for a second, and now…I couldn't hold her at all. I saw her hands shaking as she took a

seat against the sofa nearest to Charlie. I could hear her heart beat frantically as she

pushed her hands into her stomach. No doubt so that I wouldn't notice them shaking. The

pain of seeing her this way had reached its peak… I had to get out this room _now_. I

waited as patiently as I could for the show to end and then as soon as the credits began to

roll I got up from the couch.

"I'd better get home" I said.

"See ya," Charlie said uninterested, without looking up.

I walked straight to my car, avoiding eye contact with Bella. I was rushing, but I slowed

enough so that she could meet me at my car.

"Will you stay?" she asked, her voice was strained, she knew the answer already.

"Not tonight".

This would be the first night I would spend away from Bella in…how long had it been? It

seemed like forever. It seemed like tonight would be the longest night ever. I shuddered at

the thought of how it would be like that for the rest of my life in only a couple of days.

Every night would be meaningless and empty.

She didn't ask for an explanation. I got into my car and drove away. I could see her in my

rear view mirror until I turned the corner. She was standing there with an unfathomable

expression on her face. My face crumpled with pain as I made my way along the

highway. Of course I wouldn't technically, physically spend the night with Bella, but I

would be outside of her window. Watching her… watching over her.

Two hours passed and they seemed like an eternity. I made my way to Bella's house

eventually and watched as she tossed and turned in her sleep. I wanted so badly to open

the glass window dividing us and hold her in my arms… one last time… one last night.

But I knew it would be too hard for my self control. I knew if I held her for one more

night, it would be like a drug. I would _always _want more.

She got up early that morning. As soon as there was a hint of light she was eating her

breakfast. I rushed home to change and then returned secretly to find Bella taking

pictures of her house. The curiosity almost got the better of me. I wanted to swoop down

right then and there and talk with her, ask her why she was taking pictures… just talk to

her… hear her voice happy and jubilant, one last time. But once again I fought with my

self control and won.

Bella arrived at school and our silence continued. I was forcing myself to be silent, but it

seemed Bella was almost too scared to talk. Almost like as if she said one word I would

run off and never speak to her again. Her fear, it seemed, overrode all curiosity she held

for the truth. In English class she was so lost in her train of thought that she didn't hear

Mr. Berty's question. I wasn't paying any attention either, but I managed to hear the

answer from a girl's thoughts behind me. I whispered the answer to Bella and then

resumed the silence. It was surely killing her as much as it was killing me. But this was

all for her, I kept reminding myself. The outcome will be worth all this pain, I chanted,

over and over.

The silence continued at lunch. Bella ended up pulling the camera from her bag and

handing it to Jessica to ask her to take some photos.

I wondered why Bella was so eager to document her life here in Forks. Like her time here

was limited. I bit my tongue to resist the urge to ask Bella why. If what I was thinking

was correct, and Bella wanted to document her life here in Forks because she thought it

was coming to an end, then I didn't want to know what she was doing. Did she really

think that we were leaving _together_? I hoped not. It would make tomorrow afternoon that

_much _harder. I shuddered. These were the last days… hours I would spend with Bella. If I

needed to breathe I would surely have started hyperventilating at the pain that this

thought caused me.

In the afternoon, we walked to the parking lost in silence. Bella had to work again and I

felt relieved that I didn't need to make excuses to be away from her. I hated that feeling.

The feeling that I _had _to not _want _to be with her.

That night I gazed at her from a very far distance as she was settling into bed. She was

looking over the photographs from her camera. I felt a pang as I knew that I would have

to hide her memories of me, and that photograph of us in only a few hours. It would

break her heart, and mine, too. She stayed up later than usual. I figured she was waiting

for me. I wished she was, I wish my absence was only because I was off hunting. I

wished that we weren't in a situation where I couldn't spend the night with her.

She didn't sleep well, again.

And school followed in the silent, dragging way it had for the past couple of days. This

was all getting to be too much. This afternoon…in a few hours, all life's meaning would

be lost. My everything would be my nothing, because I had willed it so. All day I forced

my face to be expressionless. When it felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the

heart, maintaining an expressionless face took complete concentration. I walked Bella to

her truck after school. Less than an hour now… maybe less…

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked. I hoped this wouldn't give her hope, but

how could it not?

"Of course not"

"Now?" I asked, opening the door for her.

"Sure," It sounded like she was trying her hardest to control her emotions "I was just

going to drop a letter for Reneé in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there".

I reached for the envelope. "I'll do it and I'll still beat you there" A smile escaped then, I

wasn't focusing hard enough. I managed to control the smile before it reached my eyes.

"Okay," She agreed. She knew my smile was off so she didn't smile back.

I shut the door, raced to my car, past the post office and then made it to her house at least

10 minutes before her. I parked in Charlie's spot so she knew I wouldn't be staying. It

was a subtle act, and I knew it would hurt her. I hated that it would hurt her.

I rushed up to her room then and found the picture of myself and her in her scrapbook. I

took it out from its spot, and grabbed the CD I made for her from its place in the CD

player. I quickly lifted up a floor board to the end right of her bedroom and placed them

in there.

It will be as if I never existed. I would tell her soon. And it would break her heart.

I could hear her truck from miles away and I quickly rushed back into my car.

As soon as she stepped out of her truck, I raced out of my car and was at her side at once.

I took her book bag as I would usually but to show her that I wasn't the same Edward I

shoved it back into the seat. She knew this was uncharacteristic of me. I needed to be that

way - hurt her now, save her later.

"Come for a walk with me," I suggested. All my efforts went into keeping my voice even.

I took Bella's hand then, to lead the way. This would be the last time I would ever hold

her hand in mine; her warmth would be lost to me forever. The pain of never having such

a feeling again was unbearable. Torture. I had to end this all now, before I broke down

completely…only minutes to go now.

We'd gone only a few steps into the trees when I decided to stop. I leaned against the

tree, I was unusually uncoordinated – like the pain of what I was about to do would

knock me to the ground. I stared at her beautiful face. I wanted to smile then. That I had

been loved by such an amazing woman, I could never have dreamed I would so lucky.

And so unlucky. With all the effort I could muster I kept my expression unreadable.

"Okay, let's talk," she said. She sounded brave; I knew she would be trying very hard for

her voice to come across that way. She never missed a thing; she knew something bad

was about to happen. How much I wish I didn't have to do this! I took a deep breath for

strength.

"Bella, we're leaving," I said.

She took a deep breath then as well. I can't do this. I thought. I can't! It's too hard –

"Why now? Another year-" she asked.

The lies I had practiced every night since my decision were now necessary.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely

pass for thirty, and he's claming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon

regardless."

Oh God! Look how confused she is. This is going to kill me! And even worse, I can

already see this is going to kill her. And I haven't even spoken the most blasphemous part

yet. I fought with my emotions – my face managed to stay cold and unreadable. Where

was I finding this strength? It must be my love for her that is pulling me through this.

"When you say _we _- ," she whispered.

"I mean my family and myself". Of course she would think that I wanted her to come

with me, with us. How I wished that it was a possibility! How had I forced the words out

so distinct? This was torture.

She shook her head back and forth. I couldn't feel impatience as I waited for her to digest

my lies. All I could feel was the burning hatred I had for myself. How could I hurt some

one I loved _so _much that it hurt. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve me.

"Okay," she said finally. "I'll come with you"

I wanted to scream Yes! Come! We won't have to go through all this horrible pain.

Instead I mustered "You can't, Bella. Where we're going… it's not the right place for

you."

"Where you are is the right place for me" she said. Her voice was breaking from the pain.

"I'm not good for you, Bella." It was true. Look at how I was hurting her now. If I had of

just stayed away all those months ago. Never courted her, never allowed her to fall in

love with me. How selfish I was to love Bella _and _have her love me in return.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life," she was begging at this point.

I had reduced her to pleading and begging. I should be dismembered and burnt for this.

"My world is not for you," I said grimly. I edited what I'd said in my head. No, it was _I_

who wasn't deserving enough to be in Bella's world. I, the monster.

"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" Her cheeks were

burning as she tried to demean her near death experience to a mere insignificance. More

lies were now needed. If I had a heart, it would be in a million pieces for doing this to

her.

Maybe one day she would look back and thank me for leaving her. For giving her a real

chance at life.

"You're right," I pretended to agree "It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

I did promise. I did. But sometimes love outweighs promises when it's comes to doing

what's right. I had to find a way out of my promise.

"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted, correcting her with a fact I wish were

never true.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it? She was furious, but still begging. A thin line

between breaking down and trying to gain some momentum to continue her argument.

"Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my

soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"

That was it. The pain boiled up and over. I had her soul. And now I was destroying it. I

_was _a monster, through and through, hurting the one I loved the most. In every way.

Promising to never leave her and then breaking her soul by going ahead and leaving. I

had to take a deep breath to control the pain. I was on the brink of breaking. I continued

to stare at the ground. If I looked into her eyes now, I would melt and take back

everything I had said. I'd come too far now to go back. I clenched my teeth and forced

my eyes to be clear of all emotion. I had to do this no matter what pain it caused me, for

her sake.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," I said each word slowly and precisely. If I

rushed them – I would have to repeat them. I could never again repeat the blasphemous

words I just spoke. It was the worst sentence I could possibly ever utter. I continued to

stare at her beautiful face. In her big brown eyes that were sad and quickly filling with

tears, I saw the monster staring back at me.

There was a pause as she analyzed each and every word.

"You… don't…want me?" She whispered.

How can I do this? How can I lie to her? This will kill her, kill me. I can't! It's over. My

heart was screaming for all the pain to end, to tell her the truth, to never let this happen.

But my all too persistent brain continued to thrust out the reason why I was hurting her

like this. It was what was best for her. By leaving her, I would save her.

"No." I said. I stared deep into her eyes so that she could comprehend my words. I had to

keep my cool. If vampires could tear up, I would be gushing tears left right and center.

This would be the worst time to break. She would see a glint of hope and it would be

harder for her to let go of me completely. And for me. If she had any hope at all the

process would take that much longer, she would suffer longer. I mustn't allow that. So I

kept my face unreadable for her sake.

"Well, that changes things". Her voice was calm. She was clearly working very hard to

control her emotions.

And now my head and my heart were reminding me that the hardest part was yet to come.

It was time to deny that I was in love with Bella. That I could survive without her, like as

if my world held any purpose outside of her. I couldn't bear to look her direct in the eyes

as I lied to her like this. I would break down without a doubt. I focused on a branch as I

spoke.

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me

realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…," I needed another breath of strength to

keep going "_tired _of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let

this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that". I waited for her response as I cringed at

my lies. I would always love her… in a way! She would never believe that, right? After

all the times I've told her how deep my love for her ran in my veins, how she was my

only reason to live, she wouldn't let me off the hook so easily, right? And I wasn't

human, of course. I was a monster.

"Don't, don't do this." Her voice was a pleading whisper.

She didn't contest that I didn't love her? I wanted to scream at her "Bella! How can you

believe I don't love you!" Why aren't you fighting my love for you? Had I not been clear

enough of my love for her? I kept my eyes hard though, I tried to pull off that it was too

late to go back, and it was. But what I was about to say next would hurt her possibly the

most. She had always spoken of her feelings of never being good enough for me. How

ridiculous a concept she once believed, and yet now, I would confirm it with the pain of a

razor blade stabbing me repeatedly.

"You're not good for me, Bella".

She opened her mouth to say something, to contest my words. But then she closed it

again. No Bella, really? You believe what I'm saying to you? How could she really

believe she wasn't good enough for me? If my heart could throb I would be clutching it at

this moment. I wiped my face clean of all emotion as she processed my words.

"If … that's what you want." she whispered.

So that was it? She wasn't going to fight me. There wasn't going to be more of this? The

conversation was coming to an end? I'd spoken all my lies, and they had hurt her so

deeply that she did not contest them as if she really believed them. But how could she

believe me? After all the thousand times I've told her I love her, how could she let one

word break her faith in me? I could see it in her eyes then, that she honestly believed that

I didn't want her anymore. The most absurd ridiculous concept, like I could exist without

needing her. But instead I replied to her question with a quick nod. So she had accepted

my lies. This was too easy. Maybe I hadn't professed how deeply I loved her. And now it

was too late. She would never know. But now I needed to make her promise to survive

this. To go on living. So that I could go on living.

"I would like to ask you one favour, though, if that's not too much," I said.

I continued to stare at her face and was surprised to see her eyes widen in acceptance to

do a favour for me. After all that I was doing to her, all the pain I was causing her, she

still was willing to do me a favour. Yes, I did not deserve her. She must have seen the

flicker of surprise briefly cross my face before I composed my mask again.

"Anything," she vowed. I was doing her no favour, and yet she would do one for me.

Amazing. My frozen eyes melted and I allowed my eyes to turn an intense gold. What I

was about to ask her was the most important part yet – she must live. She must!

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered with an intense tone to my voice. It was

the only emotion I had allowed myself to show her in the last couple of days. But I

needed her to promise me this. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded helplessly. I knew she would follow through on her favour, for me, even

though I didn't really deserve her to.

And then I let the intensity fade as the ice returned to my eyes. One more lie to break her

heart was necessary though. She mustn't think that I want her safe for my sake, as true as

it was. I would have to lie that it was for Charlie's sake. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of

course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him". I wanted to scream FOR ME AS

WELL! But I couldn't. She mustn't hope that I still need her. How ridiculous though that

I could survive without her!

"I will," she nodded her head as she whispered the words.

"And I will make you a promise in return," I said "I promise that this will be the last time

you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You

can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never

existed." I remembered back to the photo I had stolen from her room earlier. Yes, I would

not exist to her any longer. And I would fight every urge in my body to stay away from

her. I wouldn't come back every so often to check up on her. To stare at her through the

window, from a distance. I would hold good on my promise and I _would _never return.

Her knees had begun to shake, and her heart was beating like thunder under her chest. It

was the loudest I had ever heard it and that frightened me. Would this pain physically

damage her? I shuddered and tried to find a way to calm her heart down.

"Don't worry," I said, smiling gently to ease her heart. "You're human – your memory is

not more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." And it was true. Time did

heal all wounds. But how much time would Bella need? Weeks, Months, Years? And how

much time would I need? I couldn't imagine one day without her let alone years! I had

waited almost 90 years to find Bella and now…

"And your memories" She asked, interrupting my thoughts. She sounded like she was

choking.

"Well-" I hesitated for a short second. More lies were now needed. More hurt. I gathered

all the strength I had left and continued. "I won't forget. But my kind… we're easily

distracted." I forced a smile on my face to make the lie more believable. I took a step

away from her then with all the effort I had. This was it…just seconds away from never

seeing Bella again. Death seemed like a paradise escape if only I didn't have to feel the

pain I was feeling at this moment.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." I said. Something in what I

said surprised her.

"Alice isn't coming back." She didn't say it as a question, but as a statement. This was

killing Bella as much as it was killing Alice. I was hurting everyone it seemed. Bella…

Alice… all because I was a selfish monster. But I had to be cautious now. Bella was

loosing the love of her life, the one who held her soul, and now she was going to learn

that her best friend had left without saying goodbye. I was worried the pain would finally

break her and she would faint from the shock of what was happening. I shook my head

slowly, always watching her face. She was strong, but I wondered how strong.

"Alice is gone?" She couldn't believe that Alice was gone just as she couldn't believe that

I loved her.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for

you." Finally one sentence of truth was uttered in this conversation of lies. It was the first

words I had uttered that were true, and it gave me that little bit of strength I needed to say

goodbye once and for all.

"Goodbye, Bella." My voice was quiet as I spoke. This was it. Life would soon end for

me.

"Wait!" she sounded like she was choking from the pain. She moved forward a step and

reached her hands out to me.

I wanted to hold her right then and there. To never let her go. I nearly broke my stance, to

clasp my hands around her face and embrace her, but I fought against the urge and

grabbed both her wrists instead. I pinned them to her sides. I wanted to kiss her then, one

last time. Her birthday night was the last time we had kissed and I was craving it more

than her blood. But one last kiss would destroy me, destroy her. She would know

something was up when I had told her I didn't love her but yet I would kiss her goodbye.

I wanted to kiss her forcefully and eager, but I settled with a gentle and brief kiss on her

forehead. She smelled so good at that moment that I wanted to burst from the pain. Her

eyes closed and as much as I wanted to close my eyes too I held back and settled on my

last words.

"Take care of yourself", I whispered against her forehead. I wanted to stay there forever

and love her, and hold her, and keep her safe. But who was I to keep her safe? I was the

one putting her in danger. All of this pain was for her.

And so I let her go then and ran through the forest as fast as I could. I knew I was already

miles away from her but I kept running just incase she had continued to follow me in

vain. I ran for what seemed like hours and then the pain all a sudden became too

unbearable. I was getting worse as I ran, for the first time ever I was losing speed and

hitting branches along the way, until finally I smacked bang into a trunk that I hadn't

seen. The pain of hurting Bella was blinding me from running with precision, so I

decided to stop then and there. I crumpled up into a ball on the forest floor and grasped at

my heart, symbolically. It wasn't beating, but if it were I had no doubt it would stop and

burst. If I could shed tears I would be in a torrent of them by now.

I stayed crumpled like this for what seemed like days. I wasn't thirsty even though I

hadn't been hunting in what was it – two weeks now? Or was it three? Time passed but I

only recognised it was doing so because the sun would rise, and then set, and then rise

again.

After more days past I was beginning to feel like the thirst was too much to bear. Like,

the pain that had left me crumbling on the forest floor has subsided, however marginally,

for the thirst to take over slowly, until it was almost unbearable.

But almost unbearable wasn't completely unbearable. I didn't want to face anything. Life,

thirst, my family. I just wanted to crumple here and fade into oblivion. Whilst also hoping

that Bella was trying her hardest to forget about everything and move on with her life.

The sun set for another day and just as it was about to rise for another the clouds tore

through and brought with them a vicious storm. The rain pelted down on me but I did not

care, nor did I care when I was floating in a massive puddle. I could not drown, no matter

how much I wanted to. The lightening pounded above, and I wished that it would hit the

water and electrocute me. I wouldn't die, but maybe I would feel a different feeling

besides the pain I felt for hurting Bella. It was like I couldn't breathe, even though I didn't

need to breathe. Like someone was tearing every bit of my limbs off one by one and

burning them on the stake. If only I could make this pain go away. The thunder tore

through the forest and I closed my eyes wishing desperately that I could fall asleep. For

with sleep, I could for at least for one second escape this life and enter another. I hoped it

would be better for Bella, that she could sleep to escape the pain, just as I could not.

Just as the storm was beginning to ease I heard many thoughts all at once. I didn't care to

tune into one, so I let all the voices swirl around in my head.

"_He has to be close I recognise this place…how can you be sure… what if he doesn't even_

_want to see us… Alice is this the place?"_

Ah, that was Carlisle's thoughts at the end, I was sure. So they had come to look for me.

Alice must have seen me crumpled here days ago. They must have just figured out where

I was. I couldn't make the effort to unfold myself from the ground. So I continued to lie

there, still and clutching my knees as they advanced forward.

"Oh! Edward! Everyone, look! Edward is over there near that large puddle." Alice

shouted.

"_Thank Goodness he is alright, my son!" _Esme thought.

"_He is in worse shape then I imagined. He must be really torn up about this, " _Thought

Rosalie. Silly Rosalie, what did she expect? That I would move on and everything would

be as it was before.

"Edward," Carlisle was close now standing over me. I didn't want to open my eyes.

"Edward, we are so glad you are okay. Alice saw you in her visions unmoving on a forest

floor… it took us all this time to find you."

"Yeah who would have thought that the Pacific Northwest could have so much forest to

digest through" Emmett teased. He was trying to sound cheerful, to have it reflect on me.

Of course, it wouldn't work. But I sat up anyway. I opened my eyes and realised how

dirty my clothes had become. The thirst took over then and I knew it was time to hunt.

"I'm going to hunt." I said.

"I'll come with you," Jasper offered.

"No, I… I want to be alone."

"So then, we'll meet you in Denali?" Alice asked.

"No… I want to be alone for a while. I can't… it's too…" I was struggling with the words

to tell them that I couldn't be around them because it would hurt too much. "I have to be

alone to process this… I hope you all can understand"

"Of course, Edward. Take all the time you need." Esme was at my side then, her hand on

my shoulder reassuring me. "We will miss you dearly; make sure to return whenever you

can".

"I promise." I didn't know if I would keep my promise. But to make her feel better I

promised it anyway.

That's when I heard a familiar voice through a thought not too far away. The thoughts

were vicious and with complete malice. Victoria! I could hear them so distinct like she

was shouting them at me. "_Oh poor little Edward! How pathetic! Over some human!"_

"Victoria!" I snarled through my teeth.

"Victoria is here? Where?" Emmett asked, amused and ready for a fight.

"I'm not sure, close though, she can see me, or… she saw me. I'm going after her."

"_Edward_-" Carlisle's thoughts were worried.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine. I need some distraction… from this pain. I will return home as

much as I can. But Victoria is mine!"

"I'm coming!" Emmett said.

"No!" Rosalie protested. "I want you here, with me. Forget Victoria, Edward can deal with her."

"Yes, Emmett I will deal with her, stay with Rosalie" I agreed.

I rushed off then into the forest following Victoria's path through her eyes. I would make

sure Victoria was burnt to ashes if it was the last thing I would do. If I couldn't be with

Bella, then I would make her safe by killing a vampire so sadistic that she was capable of

killing the one I loved.

I heard my family's thoughts then as I sped through the trees. "_Be safe… we'll miss you_

_son… come home whenever you can…get her Edward!" _No doubt Emmett was the last.

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**YAY!!! Hope you liked it…. I know it was really long, it took me 2 weeks to write. Please review! xxxx**


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